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Practice Schmactice

Golf humorist takes a comical look at the game in new book

There are two basic kinds of golfers: good and bad. Good golfers are typically the ones who practice, who enjoy going to the range a few times a week to groove their swing or work on their putting. They hit tens of thousands of practice balls a year. When you see them play, you admire their technique-even though you question their sanity.

Bad golfers, on the other hand . . . well, let's just get to the 1st tee. I count myself among the latter group. Practice schmactice. Show me a fairway, and I can miss it.

Good golfers were probably Boy Scouts growing up. They were those obnoxious kids in junior high who actually got good grades, did their homework, and ate their brussels sprouts. Heck, they probably even cleaned their rooms.

Good golfers were probably Boy Scouts growing up. They were those obnoxious kids in junior high who actually got good grades, did their homework, and ate their brussels sprouts.

Bad golfers did none of these things. We questioned authority, were bored to tears in school, and thought football players and cheerleaders were bozos.

Good golfers? They've read every instruction book ever written. They go to golf camps and schools, take weekly lessons, and do those ridiculous practice swinging motions when standing there waiting for an elevator.

I've gotten to the point where if my game is above average, I'm proud. If most golfers in the United States don't break 100, as National Golf Foundation studies have consistently revealed, then my 82 last Sunday is pretty remarkable, no?

We're all good at something. It's just that the vast majority of us are not good at golf. Even Jack Nicklaus once quipped, "I just miss better than everyone else." Hogan, in his prime, said he typically hit but one really good shot per round. Holy 1 iron, Batman! If Hogan and Nicklaus are saying such things, that spells big trouble for me. Given that set of criteria, I'd be lucky to hit one really good shot per decade. So, practice? Uh, no thanks. My oven needs cleaning.

This is an excerpt from I Golf, Therefore I Am Nuts.